When I think of Sarah and Benson I think of eating prosciutto wrapped breadsticks, drinking red wine, and laughing until my sides hurt. I’ve known Sarah since college—we lived together our senior year!—and I became friends with Benson while they were living in Brooklyn just two Subway stops away. They are two of the most attentive, thoughtful people I know, qualities that underpin their relationship and make them a joy to be around. When they agreed to be interviewed for this column, I couldn’t wait to share their story!
Keep reading to learn how they first met, what it was like to move to a new city together, and what they think about working in the same industry. They share the sweetest Sunday tradition and some really great relationship advice too!
How did you two meet?
Sarah: We met in college when I was a sophomore and he was a freshman. He was friends with a lot of my guy friends. I thought he was really hot and we would flirt at parties etc. My senior year, I think he either fixed a bike for me or gave me one of his friends bikes to give to a friend? Anyway, that memory is hazy, but Benson definitely asked for my number at that point, but we didn’t wind up going out then. A few years later after we both graduated, I ran into him in New York at a Prince cover show organized by our mutual friends. He asked me for my number again there and we finally went out after that.
Benson: In college… potentially in the dining hall below where I lived. Sarah was friends with a group of boys I was friends with so I knew her but with kind of a ‘one of the guys’ vibe to our acquaintanceship (though the undercurrent of it was quite different).
When did you move in together?
Benson: We moved in together around a year after we started dating. The backdrop, of course, is in part New York realities — having lots of roommates, taking a long time to go between neighborhoods. For me, it was the end of an era, as I’d been continuously on a lease with one roommate (and a rotating cast of other people) for 4 years. But we made the decision in a very unexpected way — we were taking a trip to Mexico and had volunteered to get bumped for $1000 vouchers (each!) after already doing one leg of the trip. Our new flight was the next day, so we were in Romulus, MI (the Detroit airport) at a hotel for the night. We were eating at the surprisingly good hotel restaurant and I guess talking about our lives in NYC. We hadn’t much discussed moving in together, but we both kind of said we were interested and it just quickly solidified into being a real plan!
You recently relocated from New York to Pittsburgh together. How did you make that decision?
Sarah: On something like
Benson: As we were living together, we started to settle down and our distance from Manhattan was becoming a burden (we were living in Brooklyn). The idea of buying a place to live in New York was impossible and more and more we kept wondering “why exactly do we live here?” My job was sort of collapsing around me, with a domino-like departure of everyone I worked with. Sarah was finishing a short-term teaching assistant gig and would be looking for jobs soon. I had had a jobs alert set for Pittsburgh and had occasionally applied to some that came up.
Sarah: Sort of gradually and unexpectedly he got an offer that would pay for our relocation right as I was graduating from coding boot camp. Seeing as I didn’t have a job lined up, and Benson’s job offer was strong (including a relocation stipend), it seemed like a great time to try living here. It was definitely scary, but I think the fact that there was nothing binding us to stay in Pittsburgh forever and that we were relatively unencumbered, made it a good time to try.
Benson: So we just went for it knowing we could come back after a year if we wanted to.
Do you have any advice for other couples who are thinking of relocating to a new city together?
Benson: You’ll lean on each other a lot, perhaps more than you want to because you don’t have deep roots there yet. That also means you won’t necessarily have a bunch of things to do that help you explore the city, so just give yourself ample opportunities to wander around. In general, it’ll be fine, and it’ll be finer faster the more you say yes to things and build up memories around the city.
Sarah: Don’t have too many specific expectations. Be really nice to each other. Sometimes it can be hard and lonely. It’s also really nice together mostly because you are finding new friends and establishing new routines in a new place and together! I think it has made us even closer.
What has it been like to work in the same industry?
Benson: Pretty good, mostly because it’s a pretty good industry to work in. Our actual work is sufficiently different, so when we do overlap, one person is clearly the novice and the other the expert, so it’s nice to be able to teach each other things.
Sarah: It’s cool because we can tell each other relatively specific stories about what happened during our workday. Benson’s been at it for way longer, so it’s nice to get advice from him about stuff, both technical and social. When I first meet people in my industry I generally don’t initially mention that Benson works in the same one, because I think people sometimes do judge women developers who date male developers…like they think I’m less competent or something. So I definitely let them get to know my abilities first.
What’s one way knowing each other changed you?
Benson: I’m typically someone who assumes the worst and adopts a default unfriendliness…or at least I was more that way before being with Sarah. She’s so much the opposite — she will just bop down the street like a girl-power cartoon protagonist — and can at least pretend to be welcoming to anyone. Being around her has made it clear how ridiculous some of my old ways were, though I still don’t quite have her level of pep.
Sarah: Benson is really invested in being a good community member, in both small and large ways. Like he cares deeply about politics and such, but also if a woman drops her scarf on the street a block in front of us, he will run to get the scarf and hand it back to her. He’s just really un-lazy. I find that really inspiring and try to emulate it.
What’s one of your partner’s quirks?
Sarah: He likes a very loosely made bed. He takes off his socks in random places in the house. He loves craps (the casino game) a lot. He really likes nice flooring.
Benson: Sarah’s feet/toes are highly dextrous. If she drops something while barefoot she might pick it up with her feet.
What relationship advice do you have for other couples?
Sarah: If you are in a fight, even if you are really sure you are right and the other person is being crazy, try your hardest to assume/understand their point is valid. Because usually, both people are at least partly right. It’s always really easy to see your own point, so it’s good to spend your energy trying to see how the other person is right too. Also just hug a lot, I feel like it’s hard not to be happy when you are hugging.
Benson: Know what you want. If something bothers you more than twice, you need to either come to terms with it or figure out how to communicate about it as a grown-up. You need to realize that being critical but not accepting criticism isn’t a stable long-term strategy. Something you persistently have miscommunications about is probably something you don’t agree on, and somebody should explicitly (at least to themselves) compromise. If you want your partner to do something different it’s best if you can lead them down that path instead of just telling/asking them to do it. Get clear about how you two deal with money (at least in your current phase) and be very consistent with that. If/once you live together, you don’t have to be in the same room all the time. Get to know your partner’s grandparents if at all possible.
Sarah & Benson
Favorite Date Spot
- Sarah: Anthology Film Archives in NY & Bar Marco in Pittsburgh
- Benson: Sarah may hate this but… poorly-attended movie + very lowbrow (like, eat standing up) dinner. In NYC, that’d be Anthology Film Archives + the halal corner store at 2nd ave and 4th street. In Pittsburgh that’s the Harris Theatre and then bar food.
Favorite Way to Spend A Sunday Together
- Sarah: Go to the park and walk around or hammock, also make a big meal like pasta with sausage at end of it
- Benson: Sarah reads in bed while I go to the bakery, make breakfast, then we eat and go back to relaxing until afternoon, go to a park and someplace else we want to go, come back, have some phone calls, then one or both of us cooks dinner
The Last Gift You Gave Each Other
- Sarah: Benson gave me an iPhone for my birthday and I gave him a Nintendo Switch for his birthday
- Benson: An iPhone?
The Last Thing You Argued About
- Sarah: Uhh I think I said I would sweep the floors but then tried to get out of it? And Benson was then like could you please do the things you said you would do and I was like you don’t understand my hard life WAAHHHHH (I was being a brat)
- Benson: A weird blown-out-of-proportion micro-issue related to laundry
Favorite Place You’ve Visited Together
- Sarah: This chicken rotisserie in Tulum cos we both loved it so much, also Tigre in Argentina, also this time we ended up in Romulus Michigan because it was so nice and unexpected and we made $1000 in flight credit off of it, it was just this really nice unexpected 12 hours of fun and weird!!
- Benson: Minneapolis. It’s where my parents live and is totally out of the NY/NJ/Philly area she grew up, and it was great to show her the Mississippi for the first time and go kayaking through lakes and sort of
bring her to this other world.
One Thing You’re Looking Forward to Doing/Experiencing Together in the Next 12 Months
- Sarah: Going back to the chicken rotisserie in Tulum!!
- Benson: We’re likely to buy a house so that will be a big crazy experience if it happens!
Thank you so much Sarah & Benson!
Editor’s note: Since this interview, Sarah and Benson have in fact bought a house. Congratulations!
More couples share their best relationship advice and favorite Boston date spots.